I took a pretty intense meditation course about eight years ago. Or maybe I only think it was intense because it was my introduction to meditation. But I remember the class vividly because it marked the beginning of my struggle with “The Sit.”
The course was a Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction Class, based on the teachings of Jon Kabat- Zinn. My doctor recommended I enroll in the class. At the time, I was highly stressed and depressed. I was clenching my jaw so tightly at night that I was doing twice-weekly acupuncture treatments to get it under control. During the day, I was being driven crazy by ringing in my ears (tinnitus), which was accompanied by hearing loss.
So I enrolled in the eight-week course. We met once a week, three hours at a time. While we didn’t sit the entire time, we did sit during each class. For our weekly meditation homework, we sat some more.
I spent most of these “sits” crying.
Sitting triggered pains in my shoulder, my neck, my back. Sitting brought my tinnitus into focus. In short, sitting caused pain, and it made me feel like a failure. Once the course ended, so did my meditation practice.
But two years ago, I found my way back to meditation after taking an online course. In the interim, I’d done hypnotherapy, learned to quiet my tinnitus, and made lifestyle changes (namely, changing my job) that helped lessen my stress.
While my new meditation practice has stuck, “The Sit” hasn’t. I still find sitting uncomfortable. My back pain flares. My shoulders ache. My neck strains. My jaw clenches.
Instead, I’ve found a meditation position that works for me: I lie on my back, a thin pillow under my head, and I put my legs up on an ottoman. It’s a sitting position–on my back. I love it. In this pose, I “sit” longer, my “sits” are deeper, and my love for my practice is growing.
Only I feel like a cheater.
Meditation books, blogs, and gurus emphasize the importance of “The Sit.” Lying down is usually only recommended if you are sick, in pain, or bedridden.
I finally spoke with my meditation teacher about my sitting problems. I feel like a failure, I told her, or a cheater. While I sit on a chair during our weekly meditation classes, I lie down at home. “Is it meditating if I’m lying down?” I asked her.
She responded with her typical warmth and calming smile. Yes, she assured me it is. And yes, she said, I’m doing just fine. I’m listening to my mind and my body, and right now, lying meditation serves me.
Maybe over the course of my practice, I’ll transition. Maybe one day, my “sits” will truly become sits. But if I can quiet my mind, find increased inner peace, consistently follow my practice, and feel my body healing, I must be doing something right.
For now, I’m embracing a sit that truly serves me–even if my “sit” takes place lying down.