Category: Uncategorized

For the past few weeks, I’ve felt very disconnected from the #Woo.

I’ve felt uninspired and low energy—as if my #Woo spark disappeared. To top it off, my lower back pain returned. My usual stretches and Kegels weren’t helping. So, yesterday I finally gave in and canceled my Tuesday evening Zoom HIIT class.

That’s when it hit me (no pun intended 🙂 ) — I realized how I’d lost my connection to the #Woo.

Socially distanced but overly socialized

I’m what people call an extroverted introvert. When I’m with people who I enjoy and connect with, I have a great time. But being with people—even smart, fascinating, uplifting people—drains my energy. I need time to recover.

I hadn’t fully realized it, but shelter-in-place means I’m far MORE social usual. We are no longer just Zooming for work; we’re Zooming for all of our social engagements. High school friends! College friends! My family! My husband’s family! Work friends! Workouts! Dance classes! You name it, we’re Zooming it.

Last week, I had Zoom calls Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday nights. That didn’t even cover actual phone calls and texts.

I haven’t been that social in years, and there’s a reason. I can no longer handle that level of socializing without a night or two off to recharge. It’s in those moments—when I’m by myself and I let my mind wander or I read an inspiring book or I listen to an inspiring podcast—that I connect to the #Woo.

Connecting with the #Woo was automatically built into my pre-COVID life. I’d go for a long car ride to commute into the city, and I’d listen to The Sheri + Nancy Show, Abraham Hicks, Dr. Joe Dispenza, Oprah Winfrey, GOOP, Hay House, and a host of others. These voices would inspire me and remind me to raise my vibe, commit to my meditations, and connect with the Universe.

Once SIP first started, and I could no longer drive, I’d take walks in my backyard. My backyard isn’t large, but I’d listen to these same voices as I walked lap upon lap around my rectangular yard. But as SIP progressed, so did Zoom and my social engagements. I failed to protect my alone time. I never realized how crucial that time was to nurture my connection to the #Woo.

So yesterday, instead of logging on for my weekly grueling Zoom HIIT workout, I headed to my backyard, I walked my rectangular laps, and I listened to #Woo teachers. I got inspired, raised my vibe, and once again found my connection to the #Woo.

I am now back in the #Woo, and it feels so good.

I wish I could say I was posting this mantra because it’s become my daily practice. Nope. I am posting it because my judgment mind needs to be reminded of it over and over again.

I’m finding that shelter-in-place is making it especially difficult for me to practice non-judgment and avoid comparing myself to others. After all, almost all of my daily interactions are now happening online. I rely on technology to work, to study, to entertain myself, to distract myself, and to connect with others.

This non-stop tech connectivity is, unfortunately, providing me with some new and very unhealthy ways to compare myself to others. The result is a severe case of judgment mind. Why isn’t my home as nicely decorated as hers? How come everyone seems to be waaaay more productive than I am? How does he have the stamina to be on Zoom ALL. THE. TIME? How on earth can that person still put on makeup/jeans/real clothes?

I am not yet great at stopping judgment mind, but I’m getting better at noticing when it’s rearing its head, and it’s time for me to put it in its place. That’s when I try to repeat this mantra. Non-judgment doesn’t come naturally to me, but this mantra helps to remind me that I can let these judgments go and focus, once again, on what’s important to me.

This morning, grief hit me swiftly.

Grief started creeping up on me yesterday, but I ignored it. I pushed it to the side. I didn’t want to acknowledge it. I was being stubborn. I didn’t want to cry.

But as I sat down for my Friday meditation, grief was having none of it.

I dialed in to my weekly meditation call, announced my name, muted myself, sat, and immediately, the tears started rolling.

My teacher welcomed us. My tears kept rolling.

Before starting our sit, my teacher shared thoughts on dealing with “This is never going to end” mind. I listened, and my tears kept rolling.

“Let’s settle into our bodies,” she said. Still, my tears kept rolling.

“Breathe in. Breathe out. Feel gratitude that you are taking the time to engage in this practice of meditation,” she said. Still, my tears kept rolling.

“Remember,” she said. “If at any point meditation becomes too much for you or your feelings are overwhelming, you can focus somewhere neutral, like your hands or your feet.”

But my mind didn’t want me to seek shelter in my hands or my feet. My grief was determined to be acknowledged. It needed to be wholly experienced. Otherwise, I knew I would stay in this grief.

So I sat, and I cried.

As the meditation ended, my teacher brought us back into the room. She asked each of us how we were feeling.

“I’m so sad,” I said. “I’m just so sad.”

“Did your hands and your feet help?” she asked.

“I didn’t want to go there,” I answered. “This was a grief that demanded to be seen and heard.”

We talked some more, and slowly, some of my grief subsided. The ache in my chest lessened. My breathing became deeper, fuller.

My teacher reminded us that grief is like a wave. It may come crashing down, but it will always recede. It’s part of the human experience. Just as we have great days, we will also have grief days.

Today was my grief day.

Sometimes, you read an article and realize it was sent to you from The Universe. That happened to me today.

This morning I woke up, relieved that I finally enjoyed a good night’s sleep. I meditated and then I checked my email. I clicked on a message from Elephant Journal, and suddenly I was reading this article: The Eckhart Tolle Quote That’s Keeping Me Sane During This Pandemic.

The instant I started reading it, I knew karma was involved.

The author, Katie Meuse, explains how she’s experiencing endless emotional swings that veer from feeling calm to helpless to feeling like a sloth for eating an extra batch of cookies. (There’s no shame in that. I think we’ve all been there.)

Then, she goes on to say this:

I catch myself feeling like a hero as all the cooking, laundry, and cleaning is under control. Then it’s feeling stifled and exhausted like I traveled back to the 1950s as all the cooking, laundry, and cleaning is under control.

– Katie Meuse

This is the exact conversation I had with my therapist this week. I told her how exhausted I was feeling after helping out in the kitchen, as well as doing the laundry and the cleaning. If I have to unload the dishwasher one more time, I’m going to explode, I told her.

“You’re feeling like a 1950s housewife,” my therapist said. “And you’ve never wanted to be a 1950s housewife.”

“You’re right,” I said. “I’ve never wanted to be a 1950’s housewife.”

But the complicated thing is that my husband is a huge help. He does ALL the cooking, ALL the grocery planning, and he picks up ALL the food.

The other thing is that I actually feel calm and productive when I clean our house. It can be meditative, allowing me to calm my busy mind while I concentrate on wiping down the counter or folding a load of laundry.

So… I’m mad that I have to clean the house, but I’m happy that it’s clean. I’m simultaneously loving and hating feeling like a 1950’s housewife, and it’s making me crazy.

This is why I found comfort in Katie’s article. She perfectly describes the emotional rollercoaster we are all riding. One day, we’re on top of the world. The next, we’re at the bottom.

She closes out her piece with this quote from Eckhart Tolle:

“Don’t look for peace. Don’t look for any other state than the one you are in now; otherwise, you will set up inner conflict and unconscious resistance. Forgive yourself for not being at peace. The moment you completely accept your non-peace, your non-peace becomes transmuted into peace. Anything you accept fully will get you there, will take you into peace. This is the miracle of surrender.”

-Eckhart Tolle

This week I’m going to work on forgiving myself for not being at peace. Forgiveness seems to be the only way to manage the emotional rollercoaster that I expect I’ll be riding until the end of this pandemic.

I purchased this sticker (actually, two copies of this sticker 🙂 when I was contemplating launching this blog. I was unsure if it should write about the #Woo. I was worried about what people would think, and I couldn’t muster up the courage to share my personal thoughts with the world.

Well, this blog is now well on its way to celebrating its 6-month anniversary. That may not be a huge milestone, but it’s something.

I use this sticker — and its message – as my constant reminder that it’s ok to be scared or unsure, but I shouldn’t let that stop me from trying to live the life I have always imagined.