I thought I just needed a minute.
Then, that minute turned into an hour. That hour turned into a day. That day turned into a week. That week turned into a month. That month turned into two. It’s now been more than two months since I’ve posted on this blog.
But I needed that time because I’d lost my voice. Between the pandemic, the murder of George Floyd, and our country’s reckoning with police brutality and systemic racism, I felt unmoored, disconnected, and as if I had nothing of value to say. I needed to retreat and go inward to listen and learn from others. I meditated, read books, and listened to podcasts. I followed inspiring Black Lives Matter influencers on Instagram. I signed petitions, wrote letters, and spoke to friends and family.
My husband and I also drove across the country.
As I sat in the car, I watched the parched West coast landscape fade into salt flats, lakes, and snow-capped mountains. Then there were prairies, tumbleweeds, and massively imposing wind turbines. These gave way to rolling hills, rivers, and towering evergreens. Eventually, we were greeted on the East Coast by heavy rain, congested highways, and dense suburbs.
I was struck by how meditative it felt to do nothing but stare out the window and marvel at the vastness of this country.
Experiencing a forced retreat
My meditation teacher has described the coronavirus pandemic and shelter-in-place orders as a retreat–albeit a forced retreat. We are being forced to go inward, to spend more time with ourselves and those immediately around us. This inward focus held steady during our road trip. My husband and I did not linger at rest stops or take time to sightsee. Instead, we drove with purpose, ate in our car, and masked up at every stop. We were in our own little bubble, a forced retreat for two on this 3,000-mile journey.
Dr. Mark Epstein, a psychiatrist who studies the intersection of Buddhism and psychotherapy, also talks about this time as being on retreat. Speaking on the GOOP Podcast, he explains that this retreat has been so hard because our natural human impulse is to avoid uncomfortable feelings. Our instinct is to do whatever we can to alleviate pain and suffering. But this isn’t always possible in a lock-down because we’ve lost a degree of control over our lives. We are forced to sit in a place where we can no longer avoid confronting that which is painful or harmful–in our own lives and culture.
Taking wise and skillful action
This forced retreat may be part of the reason why the country rose up in mass protests in response to George Floyd’s death. Being forced into retreat, we could no longer distract ourselves and turn away from the horrific violence we witness against people of color. Millions transformed their anger into wisdom and skillful action, Epstein explains. This helped to turn a moment–the murder of George Floyd–into a global movement.
I am back home now, and I am slowly returning to The Land of Woo. But I am doing so with gratitude for those who have educated me, inspired me, and helped me navigate these tumultuous few months. Thank you for speaking out when I lost my voice and acting as a beacon of hope, light, and inspiration guiding me through this forced retreat.
