meditation Archives - The Land of Woo

My grandmother came to visit me today, and it was the most comforting feeling I’ve had in a long time.

My grandmother passed away when I was in college. Her death was sudden and unexpected. For me, it was profoundly painful and sad. She died well before her time, just as I was getting to know her as an adult.

There is so much I loved about my grandmother. She was a meticulous dresser. Her dining room table was always set with the best china, even if we were eating cold cuts on rolls. I credit her for my love of Marie Calendar salad dressing, bread and butter pickles, and using a vegetable peeler to shave pieces of carrots into a salad. She lovingly made clothes for my Cabbage Patch kids, bedding for my doll house furniture, and barrettes in my favorite colors – pink and mauve.

My grandmother had her quirks. She hated air conditioning. She’d always bring a sweater into the grocery store because she despised getting stuck chatting with someone in the freezer aisle. She also had an unexpected sense of humor. When I’d complain, she’d mimic playing a tiny violin.

In her own way, she believed in the #Woo. She read tea leaves, and she would often have nightmares the night before something bad happened.

And today, she came to visit me while my meditation teacher was guiding us through a loving-kindness meditation.

“Picture someone you know, who you love, and who loves you back, and the love between the two of you is uncomplicated,” my teacher instructed us.

Immediately my grandmother appeared.

“No,” I thought. “I can’t picture Grandma. She’s not here anymore.”

But she was very clearly right there.

As we proceeded with the loving-kindness meditation, my grandmother’s presence grew stronger. She was radiant, dressed in the bright yellow belted dress that she wore to my high school graduation. I could feel warmth emanating from her, with a ray of light glinting off her belt buckle.

Suddenly, I could smell her scent, the one that was always so recognizable when she was around. A mix of perfume and makeup and, well, my Grandma. Then, I could feel the smoothness of her skin, the softness of her cheeks. And I drank in her bright, joyful smile.

She didn’t say anything. She didn’t have to. My grandmother knew I needed her and there she was — a reminder that in this vast and wild universe, we are all connected, love knows no bounds, and we have support even from those who we think may have “left” us many years ago.

I took a pretty intense meditation course about eight years ago. Or maybe I only think it was intense because it was my introduction to meditation. But I remember the class vividly because it marked the beginning of my struggle with “The Sit.”

The course was a Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction Class, based on the teachings of Jon Kabat- Zinn. My doctor recommended I enroll in the class. At the time, I was highly stressed and depressed. I was clenching my jaw so tightly at night that I was doing twice-weekly acupuncture treatments to get it under control. During the day, I was being driven crazy by ringing in my ears (tinnitus), which was accompanied by hearing loss.

So I enrolled in the eight-week course. We met once a week, three hours at a time. While we didn’t sit the entire time, we did sit during each class. For our weekly meditation homework, we sat some more.

I spent most of these “sits” crying.

Sitting triggered pains in my shoulder, my neck, my back. Sitting brought my tinnitus into focus. In short, sitting caused pain, and it made me feel like a failure. Once the course ended, so did my meditation practice.

But two years ago, I found my way back to meditation after taking an online course. In the interim, I’d done hypnotherapy, learned to quiet my tinnitus, and made lifestyle changes (namely, changing my job) that helped lessen my stress.

While my new meditation practice has stuck, “The Sit” hasn’t. I still find sitting uncomfortable. My back pain flares. My shoulders ache. My neck strains. My jaw clenches.

Instead, I’ve found a meditation position that works for me: I lie on my back, a thin pillow under my head, and I put my legs up on an ottoman. It’s a sitting position–on my back. I love it. In this pose, I “sit” longer, my “sits” are deeper, and my love for my practice is growing.

Only I feel like a cheater.

Meditation books, blogs, and gurus emphasize the importance of “The Sit.” Lying down is usually only recommended if you are sick, in pain, or bedridden.

I finally spoke with my meditation teacher about my sitting problems. I feel like a failure, I told her, or a cheater. While I sit on a chair during our weekly meditation classes, I lie down at home. “Is it meditating if I’m lying down?” I asked her.

She responded with her typical warmth and calming smile. Yes, she assured me it is. And yes, she said, I’m doing just fine. I’m listening to my mind and my body, and right now, lying meditation serves me.

Maybe over the course of my practice, I’ll transition. Maybe one day, my “sits” will truly become sits. But if I can quiet my mind, find increased inner peace, consistently follow my practice, and feel my body healing, I must be doing something right.

For now, I’m embracing a sit that truly serves me–even if my “sit” takes place lying down.

Tag: meditation

Loving Kindness and My Grandmother’s Sunshine

I Lie Down When I Meditate. Is That Cheating?